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WHY ARE WE LOSING OUR CHILDREN?
Bert Thompson, Ph.D.
The telephone rings. It’s the
middle of the night. The caller weeps uncontrollably. A teenager—a mother’s
“little boy,” a father’s son—is...dead. Hearts break; words of comfort flee;
advice fails. A life—a precious, precious life—has been stolen. A funeral takes
place on a cold, dreary day; final “good-bye’s” are whispered in muted tones;
classmates mourn; friends grieve. No one
knows, or can begin to understand—why?
The telephone rings. It’s the
middle of the night. The caller weeps uncontrollably. A teenager—a mother’s
“little boy,” a father’s son—is...dead. Hearts break; words of comfort flee;
advice fails. A life—a precious, precious life—has been stolen. But there will
be no funeral, or hushed “good-bye’s.” Classmates will not mourn; comparatively
few friends will grieve. Fewer still will bother to ask, “why”?
INTRODUCTION
What is the difference in
these two scenarios? The first describes the physical death of a teenager; the second describes a spiritual death. The former causes our
hearts to ache, and our eyes to mist. But does the latter? If not, why? The
spiritual death has, at least potentially, far greater implications. Suppose,
for example, that the teenager who died physically was very much “alive” spiritually.
Suppose this child—in humility to the Lord, and in submission to His will—had
obeyed the biblical commands in regard to becoming a Christian, and had lived
faithfully to the very hour of his demise. It is true that there is no
superlative in any language adequate to express the loss which the parents of
that child have endured. But after the funeral—when all the visitors have departed,
and the last morsel of food has been stored away—as the time comes to turn out
the last flickering light and lay their heads on pillows of sorrow drenched
with tears of grief, what shall be the comfort of those parents at that awful
moment? Neither possessions nor station in life shall suffice. Rather, faith in
their God and in the truthfulness of His promises shall sustain them. With both
Hosea (
The same cannot be said,
however, of a spiritual death. If
the child in the second scenario freely chooses to abandon his faith, and his
God, and to live a life of stubborn rebellion, were he to die in that condition,
his last state (apostasy from God) would be worse than his first (unbelief). Peter,
writing through inspiration, said: “For if, after they have escaped the
defilements of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Savior Jesus
Christ, they are again entangled therein and overcome, the last state is become
worse with them than the first. For it were better for them not to have known
the way of righteousness, than, after knowing it, to turn back from the holy
commandments delivered unto them” (2 Peter 2:20-21). The Scriptures speak often
regarding the horrible fate awaiting those who live their lives in unbelief
(Romans
Consider, therefore, the
grief which parents must feel when their son or daughter is the one described
in the second scenario above. Conservative estimates suggest that currently we
are losing 50% or more of our young people after they graduate from high
school. And, in many areas, the numbers approach 90% (see Goad, 1981, p. 9).
These statistics aren’t just long, meaningless strings of numbers about “other
folks’ kids” when you suddenly awake to the heart-rending fact that it is your child or grandchild, or the child
of someone you know well, who now finds himself in this position. When you are
prostrate before God, praying on behalf of the soul of your child or grandchild,
or the child or grandchild of a dear friend, the situation is more real and
more urgent than you ever thought possible. The questions obviously arise: (a) why are we losing our children; and (b)
what can we do about it?
WHY ARE WE LOSING OUR CHILDREN?
In any given year, an
estimated six million people will have something happen to them that will
change their lives forever—they will become parents. And what a change it is!
Children can be such a tremendous blessing. The psalmist echoed this thought
when he said: “Lo, children are a heritage of Jehovah; and the fruit of the
womb is his reward” (127:3). They can bring such love, joy, and pleasure to a
home. Have you ever seen anyone happier than grandparents? And what of those
proud parents?
Yet children also bring
sobering responsibilities. As one parent put it: “What a responsibility—to know
that our children will build a life on what we teach and the love we show them.
No wonder parenting is a job that brings more joy and challenge than any other”
(Mayhue, 1992, p. 49). How many of those six million
people actually prepare for the
challenge of rearing children? When we use the word “prepare,” we do not have
in mind such preparations as hanging wallpaper in a nursery, or purchasing cribs
and diapers. Rather, we mean “prepare” in the sense of making the necessary
mental and physical adjustments to ensure that a child will be reared in the
“nurture and admonition of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). In Psalm 127:3 the writer
noted that children are “a heritage of the Lord.” But in the next verse, he
commented on the nature of that heritage when he observed that “as arrows in
the hand of a mighty man, so are the children of youth” (127:4). Here is a
point not to be missed: children, like
arrows, are to be launched toward a singular target! That target is heaven;
we want our children (speaking figuratively) to walk once again in the cool of
the Garden with their God. To a great degree, parents and grandparents will determine
whether or not children reach that target. Our neglect—intentional or accidental—may
rob them of that joy. One writer has suggested:
All across this great land
mothers and fathers alike are throwing up their hands in despair and asking,
“What has happened to our kids?” or “Where did we go wrong?”... When we read or
hear of a case where a child is physically or sexually abused we become
extremely angry. We seek swift and severe punishment of those who are
perpetrators of child abuse. Yet, what many parents fails to realize is that
they shall stand before God and give an account of abusing their children in a
way that is much worse than any physical abuse one could imagine—and that is
spiritual abuse! Perhaps the greatest form of abuse is that of neglect. Children
must not be neglected when it comes to basic Bible teaching. In 2 Timothy 1:5
Paul stated that Timothy had an “unfeigned faith.” The reason Timothy had an
unfeigned faith is that from his youth he had been taught the Holy Scriptures
(2 Timothy
Indeed, the consequences are eternal. Jesus, during His earthly
ministry, taught His disciples a lesson on this very point. Matthew (
That we are
failing is evident. We would not be losing 50-90% of our young people after
high school graduation if we were succeeding in our quest. But why are we failing? Why are we losing
our children?
We Have Failed to Teach Our Children
Spiritual Values
Aside from the obvious
responsibility parents have regarding the salvation of their own souls, there
is no greater responsibility than saving the souls of their children. The job
of rearing and training children is exactly that—a full-time job. Children
cannot be trained properly by parents who approach the task half-heartedly or
not at all. David Boswell has correctly observed:
As parents we owe certain
obligations to our children. We can’t let them down. We can’t let God down. God
expects each and every parent to do his or her part in raising children. The
very first responsibility we have as parents is to teach our children of God.
Every other responsibility falls before this one.... As parents we also need to
know that instilling in our children a faith in God and the Bible, is the best
thing we can ever do for them. That early teaching will stay with them the rest
of their lives. Impressions are made while they are young. In Judges 2:10-11,
we read of a generation that didn’t know God. They did many things which were
evil in the sight of God. They were idol-worshippers. But the reason they were
ignorant of God was simply because they weren’t taught. Their parents before
them didn’t take the time to tell them all the wonderful works and miracles God
had done. We know God was displeased with that generation but what about the
parents before them who didn’t teach them? (1980, p. 785).
Parents and grandparents
must awake to the absolute necessity of training children in spiritual matters.
Parents become upset when a child makes Ds or Fs on a report card from school,
but never give it a second thought when those same children fail to study and
prepare their Bible class lessons. Dalton Key lamented this fact when he wrote:
Our children are important to us.
We closely monitor their scholastic and athletic progress. Their knowledge of
past events, current events, human events, and human psychology must not be
hindered. Their sports achievements must not be hampered. Yet we passively
allow the next generation to grow up without the most important knowledge, the
most valuable training information of all. Our children know books, but know
little about the Book of Books—the Bible (1992, p. 1).
The prophet Hosea, speaking
for God, observed that “my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge” (4:6).
The truthfulness of that statement has not dimmed across the centuries. Where
knowledge is lacking, wisdom is in short supply. A generation ago, we taught
diligently on such topics as the existence of God, the inspiration of the
Bible, the importance of the creation account, marriage and divorce, the
uniqueness and singularity of the church, the nature of worship, and a host of
other subjects. But, for whatever reasons, we taught less and less on these
matters. The faith of our children, therefore, found itself resting on sand
instead of rock. When the winds of trial, tribulation, and change came, that
faith collapsed and we lost our children to atheism, agnosticism, theistic evolution,
unscriptural divorces, denominationalism, and a host of other errors.
Someone Did Their Job Better Than, and
Before, We Did Ours
Christians always have
served God in an anti-Christian environment. That was true in the first
century, and it is true in the twentieth. Similarly, parents have always had to
rear children in such an environment. While parents taught one thing, the world
taught another. The key to success was, and is, helping children understand
that while they exist and function in
the world, they are not of the world
(Romans 12:2; James 4:4; 1 John
Somewhere along the way, it
appears that we forgot an extremely important point—it is not a matter of if our children are going to be taught;
it is only a matter of what they are
going to be taught, and who is going
to do the teaching. Someone is going
to teach our children. The question is: who will we allow to do the teaching,
and what will they be allowed to teach? Rita Rhodes Ward, a retired public
school teacher, knows from firsthand experience that often “when a Christian
mother leads her 6-year-old to the first grade room or her 5-year-old to
kindergarten, she leads him from the sheltered environment of the home into the
cold, pagan environment of secular humanism. From that day on, the child will
be taught two contradictory religions...” (1986, p. 520).
One writer, in an article
entitled, “What are They doing to Our Children?,” examined this “cold, pagan
environment of secular humanism,” and commented:
We have almost completely
abandoned public education to the secularists and humanists. And about all we
do is cry in the night. Nothing much is being done to rescue our youth from the
wanton plundering of reprobate experimentalists. It is time parents became concerned
about what is in the textbooks of their children, and what films are being
shown in the schools.... The mental conditioning of students is being based on
the infamous Humanist Manifesto which states that there is no God; every person
is his own creator; there are no absolutes; there are no basic truths; there is
no right nor wrong; all ethics are situational (Lemmons,
1977, p. 2).
Certainly it is not the
points of these writers that all
teachers in the public schools are humanists. There are teachers, to be sure,
who hold to the Judeo-Christian ethic, and who do a wonderful job in their
instruction. Nevertheless, the public school environment often creates an atmosphere of hostility toward the
belief system which Christian parents attempt to instill in their children. In
their volume, The Evolution Conspiracy,
Matrisciana and
There is ample evidence
that this assessment is, in fact, correct, and that it is not merely a modern-day
attitude. Dr. Charles Francis Potter was an honorary president of the National
Education Association. In 1930, he authored the book, Humanism: A New Religion, in which he made the following statement:
“Education is thus a most powerful ally of Humanism, and every American public
school is a
Every child in
It is undeniable that some
in the public schools have a “hidden agenda,” and that their objective is to
destroy our children’s faith. This situation represents a real and present
danger to our children’s spiritual well-being. If we allow others to teach our
children—and if they do their job better than, and before, we do ours—our
children will lose their faith, and we will lose our children.
Parents have Served as Faulty Role Models
How many times have we
heard it said that we must “get our priorities straight”? And how many times
have we heard it said that “our children are not stupid”? Both statements are
true. But somehow we seem not to have been overly successful in linking the two
of them together. Surely we do not expect to be taken seriously by our children
if we, by our example, leave them with the impression that they are to “Do as
we say, not as we do.” On the other hand, maybe that is
the problem. Maybe they do take us
seriously. During his tenure as editor of the Rocky Mountain Christian, Roy H. Lanier, Jr. penned an editorial
under the title of, “What is Happening to the Children?,” in which he observed:
What is happening to our
children? Why are many showing little interest in the work of the church? Why
are so many quitting the church and Jesus when they leave home? Why are we
having all these heartaches?
It is because of a faulty role
model by the parents. Children, especially teens, can see through the outer
walls of sham and know that something is wrong in their own homes. It may just
confuse them; they may not be able to give in detail what the problems are, but
they know something is awry. There are many stubborn and rebellious children
who do not know why they are so rebellious. They just know something is wrong
and they cry out against it with all the abilities at their disposal (1981, p.
2).
We as parents cannot expect
to live one way (the wrong way) and
expect our children to live another (the right
way). We often jokingly say, “monkey see, monkey do” when small children mimic
our actions. But behind the joke is a painful lesson. Our children do mimic our actions! The question with
which we should be concerned is this: what do they see to mimic? Dalton Key answers:
We read with avid interest the
funny page, the sports section, the advice columns, the financial, world, national,
and local news items, but can’t seem to find the time to open the one book with
all the answers for a problem-filled world—the Bible.
We are news zombies. We sit glued
to the six o’clock, ten o’clock, around the clock news reports on television,
ingesting hungrily every particle of bad news the media have to offer, but we
don’t, because we won’t, take the time to red the good news, the gospel—the
Bible.
Our families feed on filth. We
love to watch filth on television, we pay to see filth in the movie theater or
on rented videos, we listen and sing along to the filth in much of today’s “top
forty” hit parade, we read and drool over more filth in the form of
questionable magazines and dime-store novels, and then attend church serves to
sing “Nearer My God To Thee.” We soil our minds from dawn to dusk, but never
make time to cleanse our minds by applying God’s spiritual detergent—the Bible.
Our lives are hectic and
schedule-driven. Our days are ruled by clocks and calendars, our joy hinges on
time off and free time, yet we foolishly ignore the book of timeless treasurer,
the volume of divine truth which prepares souls to live beyond life and travel
past time into the bliss of endless, heavenly eternity. We are too busy for—the
Bible.... Yes, these are the confessions of a world-filled church. Make
application where you will, allow the show that fits to be worn, let the chips
fall where they may.... Let’s start putting first things first (1992, pp. 1-3).
Sadly, it is easier than
some might think to generate a sizable list of what might be called somewhat
charitably “parental inconsistencies.” Wendell Winkler, former Dean of the
Bible Department at Faulkner University in Montgomery, Alabama, has done just
that. In an article on “Priorities in the Home,” he wrote:
There is nothing we need more in
the church of the Lord than a proper arranging of priorities. God has always
demanded first place in the lives of His people. In fact, with God it is first
place or no place! And the home is the best place for proper priorities to be
indelibly written on the hearts of children. What priorities will be
established in the hearts of our children when the following things are adhered
to:
1. When we
are early for the ball game, but late to the worship services?
2. When
we see that our children do their schoolwork, but never check to see if they
have completed their Bible School lesson?
3. When
they cannot stay up late on school nights, lest it infringe upon their
schoolwork, but they can stay up and watch the “late show” on Saturday night?
4. We
will not let them miss school, even though they do not want to attend, but we
cater to their whims and let them miss Bible School because they happen not to want
to attend that day?
5. We
know the names of their public school teachers, but we cannot remember their
Bible class teachers?
6. We
will serve as room mother or president of the PTA at the school, but we will
never take part in arranging for various functions for their Bible class?
7. We
will not take our vacations so as to cause them to miss any school, but we have
no qualms of conscience about taking our vacation during VBS or meetings?
8. They will see us go to work even though we do not
feel too well, but stay at home from church services under the same
circumstances?
9. They
see us avidly look at and study their school work, but never pay any attention
at all to the handwork brought home from their Bible classes? (1979, p. 4).
Sometimes we fail to realize
that we teach our children in two ways: (1) by what we say through oral instruction; and (2) by what we do in through physical action. The
adage is true: “What you do speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you say.” Children
cannot (and should not be expected to) “sift” our actions, allowing the inconsistencies
to be blown away as chaff before the wind, all the while retaining the consistencies
as the grain. That is not their job; it is ours as parents. An old poem reads
something like this:
You are writing a
gospel,
A chapter each day;
By deeds that you do,
By words that you say.
Men will read what you
write,
Whether faithless or
true.
Say, what’s the gospel,
According to you?
CONCLUSION
It is doubtful that any
among us would deny the problem under discussion here. Almost everyone knows a
“little Johnny” or a “little Susie” whose faith has crumbled and who, for one
reason or another, has left the church. And it is becoming easier and easier to
actually call the names of families who have lost their children to the world.
The problem is, it seems to be getting worse.
What can we do? Must we
simply sit idly by and watch the church of today and the church of tomorrow
walk out the back door of the church building one last time, never to return?
Is it too late?
In certain cases, it surely
seems too late. Some children now have ingrained in them such a stubborn,
rebellious attitude that it is seemingly impossible to reach them. But for
others, it is not too late. But we must begin immediately to correct the error
of our ways. To lose 90 our of every hundred of our youngsters is repulsive; to
lose 50 out of every hundred is no less a disgrace; to lose even 1 is a
tragedy, the dimensions of which cannot even begin to be estimated. That 1 is
someone’s son or daughter. Jesus clearly taught that the entire world pales in
comparison to the worth of a single human soul (Matthew 16:26). We must never
lose sight of that fact.
Various writers have
identified the problems that we are now facing in the loss of our children to
the world, and have offered a number of sound, practical solutions to these
problems. For example, Gary Workman, editor of The Restorer, has written a truly excellent article on “20 Suggestions
on Raising Your Kids for Christ” (1981, p. 2). In the Rocky Mountain Christian, Roy H. Lanier Jr. penned an editorial addressing
proposed solutions (1981, p. 2). F. Furman Kearley, editor of the Gospel Advocate, wrote under the title
of “Save the Children,” and stressed the responsibilities of both the parents
and the church in keeping our children from the world. Steven Clark Goad published
“Keeping Our Children Saved” in the Firm
Foundation several years ago, and made six extremely practical suggestions
on how we can do exactly that (1981, pp. 9,11). Other resources are available
as well. The following brief list represents a compendium of the suggestions of
these authors. It is offered here in the hopes it will help prevent the loss of
the soul of even a single child.
(1) We must teach our children proper spiritual values. We
should ever keep before them the existence of God, the inspiration of His Word,
the deity and Sonship of His Son, the uniqueness and singularity of the church,
the moral and ethical systems which God has designed for mankind, and the value
of a single human soul.
(2) We must actively evangelize children. If we do not reach
them during their impressionable years, the atheists/humanists certainly will.
If we do our job well, when children reach the age of accountability, they will
already have been taught what they need to do to become Christians, and they
will act on that knowledge.
(3) We must demonstrate to our children that God, His Word, His
Son, and His church are the most important things in our lives. Our priorities
must be correct, and our children must see that we will not knowingly veer from
those priorities. We must pay less attention to secular matters, and more
attention to spiritual matters. Ball games must not interfere with worship
assemblies. Band or sports trips must not interfere with church activities. Our
children need to hear us say that
spiritual activities matter; then they need to see us live as if they really do.
(4) We should encourage Christian education. Our children need
to know that we will make whatever sacrifices are necessary to ensure the
safety of their souls. Nothing should take precedence over their spiritual
education.
(5) We must provide a “hothouse” of unselfish love. Our children
need to know there is a place where they will always be accepted, and where agape love is freely given, not because
they “deserve” it, but because parents want
to give it.
(6) We need to be sure that in our homes, both we and our
children have access to good written materials produced by faithful Christians.
Journals, magazines, children’s papers, and other such materials should be in
good supply in our homes. While it is obvious that a child will not stop to
read everything set before him, it is equally obvious that the very presence of
these things in the home will impress the child with the fact that his parents
are in earnest about spiritual matters. This will not be lost on our children,
and when they marry and have families of their own, they, too, will do for
their children what their parents did for them.
(7) We need to remember to teach our children to pray, and to
read their Bibles as frequently as they can. Communion with their heavenly
Father is urgently important, and study of His Word will enrich their lives and
give them protection against the wiles of the world.
(8) We must exercise discipline in a consistent and fair manner.
Weak and inconsistent discipline spoils a child (Hebrews 12:7). We fail to demonstrate
genuine love when we refuse to properly discipline our children (Proverbs
13:24).
(9) We should teach them respect for authority, for those who
are older, for the church, and for others. We should likewise teach them to be
evangelistic. Their soul is worth more than the entire world; we should teach
them that others’ souls are similarly valuable.
(10) We should
provide them with a happy home. Children deserve a place that is “theirs”—a
place where they can “make memories” which will last them a lifetime,
literally. They should see in the home such happiness that it is a foretaste of
the heavenly home for which we are preparing.
Yes, children are a
heritage of the Lord. And while we would never be so bold as to suggest that we
have all the answers to all the questions about parenting, there is one thing
we do know. “The Bible is a parent’s best friend. The principles of childrearing
sprinkled throughout the Bible are time-tested and true. They are quite literally
heaven-sent. And one more thing I know—it is high time we who are parents begin
to take parenthood seriously. May we use both the good sense and the Good Book
which God has given us as we ‘bring them up in the nurture and admonition of
the Lord’ (Ephesians 6:4)” (Key, 1992, p. 2).
REFERENCES
Boswell, David (1980),
“Parents’ Responsibility to Their Children,” Gospel Advocate, 122[24]:785, December 18.
Causey, Bud (1992), “Who’s
Watching the Children?,” First Century
Christian, 14[2]:12-13, February.
Goad, Steven Clark (1981),
“Keeping Our Children Saved,” Firm
Foundation, 98[19]:9,11. May 12.
Kearley, F. Furman (1992),
“Save the Children,” Gospel Advocate,
134[5]:5, May.
Key, Dalton (1992), “Our
Children,” Old Paths, 16[4]:2,
February.
Key, Dalton (1992),
“Confessions of a World-Filled Church,” Old
Paths, 16[8]:1, June.
Lanier, Roy H. (1981), “What
is Happening to the Children?,” Rocky
Mountain Christian, 9[8]:2, July.
Lawrence, Robert W. (1976),
“Teach the Children!,” Gospel Advocate,
118[2]:22-23, January 8.
Lemmons, Reuel (1977), “What Are They Doing to Our
Children?,” Firm Foundation,
94[11]:2, March 15.
Matrisciana, Caryl and Roger Oakland
(1991), “Children at Risk,” in The
Evolution Conspiracy (Eugene, OR: Harvest House).
Mayhue, Linda (1992), “Day Care Vs. Mother Care,” Gospel Advocate, 134[4]:49-51, April.
Pierce, Chester (1973),
lecture presented at Denver, Colorado seminar on childhood education. As quoted
in: Michaelsen, Johanna (1989), Like Lambs to the Slaughter (Eugene, OR: Harvest House).
Potter, Charles Francis
(1930), Humanism: A New Religion (New
York: Simon & Schuster).
Ward, Rita Rhodes (1986),
“Educating Children in an Anti-Christian Environment,” Gospel Advocate, 128[17]:520, September 18.
Winkler, Wendell (1979),
“Priorities in the Home,” Old Paths,
3[3]:4, January.
Workman, Gary (1981), “20
Suggestions on Raising Your Kids for Christ,” The Restorer, 1[7]:2, June.